FedEx Federal Witness Program: “There is no Eric Gustafson”

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This is not how witness protection works.

Two federal agents pay Eric Gustafson a visit. He’s already on a witness protection program, when they arrive to give him a new identity because he got carried away with his persona in business marketing materials he produced at FedEx Office.

When we set you up with that little hardware store, we didn’t intend for your face to be everywhere.

You’re Paul Mattheson, and you’re going to run your business into the ground.

Hey, that’s Eric Gustafson!

There is no Eric Guftason (sic).

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