Ask Paul B: Death by Cell Phone

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Dear Paul B,

Just happened to be reading about three “drunkards” who jumped into Lake Michigan to get their cell phone. What is going on? Are these people nuts? My kids love their cell phones, but they aren’t THAT ignorant…I am so gosh darn upset..

Sheila C


Dear Sheila,

Don’t flatter yourself (or your kids.) These people were 26, and 21, and yes, they HAD to be drunk. On a July day, you won’t see me diving into Lake Michigan, and call me any name you want, but it’s STILL chilly at 67 then. These people were, apparently, from St. Paul (no connection here, please.) Thank God that they are from another city. Do we need anymore negative press, above and beyond all our ultra cold winter, murder rate, political scandals, school closings and more? I do feel terrible for the families of these “inebriated folks,” but don’t think for a minute that these poor souls might NOT have been your kids. My daughter called the police on me when I took her phone away for bad behavior. Do you think they would let a “little cold water” stop them from retrieving a $600 IPHONE? I bet 33% of teens would hop into the lake to at least “TRY” to grab that all important cell. Who knows, a party could be happening and Johnny might not now! Please show this column to anyone and everyone, because cell phones are becoming the lifeblood of our souls. Hallelujah kids, release yourself from the devilish cell NOW, or face The Rapture…

Sheila, more upsetting to me is recurring nightmare of the clown who is sexting his girlfriend, and crashes into my kids car, leaving her a paraplegic. That’s gosh darn upsetting. At least these peeps had a choice, didn’t they?

Paul B

Reading a text message behind the wheel can take your eyes off the road for an average of five seconds – enough time to drive the length of a football field. And those five seconds can have devastating consequences.


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